People are talking about paying for an upgraded pool or water park. A water park? Everybody’s got a water park. Newton, we have it all wrong.
We need to zig when the world zags. We need to jump when the world jives, and when they sock hop, we do the electric sliiiide.
And that means we need a fire park.
That’s right: a fire park. Sounds pretty awesome, huh?
We need a space where people go to light stuff on fire. All year long.
Think of what’s the biggest holiday ever—the Fourth of July. And what do we do? We spend hundreds of dollars to light stuff on fire. And then the holiday is over.
We can make a place where the Fourth of July never ends. And that will be the Newton Fire Park.
Children would come from miles around to light booms and bangs in our little stretch of liberty.
And it wouldn’t just be limited to fireworks.
Burn your trash. And burn your furniture.
Bed bugs? Kill them with fire. An old broken table? Kill it with fire.
People are complaining now that without bulky item pickup being for free Newton is starting to get a lot of junk sitting around in yards.
For a moment, let’s ignore the problem that people are so lazy that the city has to remove their junk for free or they just leave it in their yard. We spent $70,000 on bulky item pickup the last year, before the city started charging.
Better solution. Pay $70,ooo for my fire park. Done.
We’d stack a year’s worth of couches in a massive pyramid and have a festival.
Burning man? That’s a massive event. Let’s have Newton’s Burning Couch! Hippies from all over make a mountain of couches and catch them on fire.
This idea will be a dumpster fire? Darn right it will be. If it takes off, it will feature at least two dumpsters you can catch on fire.
Now I have my naysayers who will tell me that a massive fire park is a terrible liability. I’ll concede that we might have a few flare ups. But you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs and lighting the stove.
We’ll have a flame retardant release form everyone has to sign, removing the fire park of any legal liability. Outside of that, who cares? If you catch yourself on fire, you either dunk yourself in our complimentary dunk tank or you toughen up, buttercup.
We’d also have fireguards, as a pool has lifeguards. Their job wouldn’t be to keep people safe as much as ensure that everyone was having fun.
They’d have big old flamethrowers, and when a citizen would have trouble burning something, they’d light it up.
Plus, the darn thing’s cheap as all get out. We’ve got a bit of empty ground the city owns. We’ll just pay a farmer to plow around it to keep the flames from spreading, and we’ll be set.
People who get hungry can start a quick fire in one of our many fire pits and grill up a hot dog or four.
So, in closing, a fire park would draw people in, be a huge amenity for citizens, require fewer lifeguards to pay, and get rid of all the crap sitting around Newton. It will decrease on trash hauled to the dump and provide the youth a designated area to burn things, as opposed to having them spread across the city with bug spray cans and cigarette lighters.
The heck with a water park. You can swim in Sand Creek.
Say it with me, Newton: burn, baby, burn.
Editors Note: this is obviously meant to be fun and non-serious. However, if you feel like bringing this up at the city commission meeting as a plausible idea and keep a straight face, we’ll give you a shout out in our next commission article.